Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
