I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
