my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Randomize
