the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
