remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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