Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she smelled like a LAN party
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
