Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
