come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You're a waste of cheezeits
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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