Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
