My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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