FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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