And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
