his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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