Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
