Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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