kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
