apparently the secret to your success is patron
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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