Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
They took my balls.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
