Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
