Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
