I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
