so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
