Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
