Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
