Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
