I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
