So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
