I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
