Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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