I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
