Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
