was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
