who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
