they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
