He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
