Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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