we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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