I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
