apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
