Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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