im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
