A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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