I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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