Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
