Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
