I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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