My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
