They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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