Screwed.edu
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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