loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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