From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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